


Look

by DrivvenWrinth



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Drabble, Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:20:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27082552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrivvenWrinth/pseuds/DrivvenWrinth
Summary: A drabble I wrote a long time ago about coming to terms with yourself.
Kudos: 2





	Look

I sat on a bench at one of those sightseeing lookouts, you know the ones with the little tower viewer things. You put money into them and the shutters open and you can see far into the distance. I sat there on the bench, staring out at a vast empty space, wondering why I was there.

I was all alone and then I wasn’t. I noticed him slowly, becoming aware of this presence in pieces. First I was aware of his hands, resting upon shaking knees. He sat beside me. He was humming. The sound rumbled up through his thin frame and radiated outward. I did not turn to look at him, for I was suddenly very afraid.

A gnarled hand reached out and rested heavily upon my shoulder. One word slipped from between chapped lips. “Look.”

I did not see, there was nothing out there to look at. He shoved me forward hard and chuckled, “Look.”

I stumbled toward the ledge. The force of his shove belied his appearance. I caught myself upon one of the viewers and clung to it at the edge of the known world. I was afraid. I did not look back. I was afraid.

“Look.” The word equaled terror in my heart, but I pulled away from the viewer just enough to position my eyes at the holes. It was dark, the shutter was closed.

“Look.” I heard again at my ear. He was beside me again. I heard the chink and clink of a coin dropping inside the empty bowels of the device and the shutters opened. I closed my eyes tightly. I did not want to see.

I could feel his breath on my neck. He did not need to speak the command. My fear of him grew greater than my fear of what vision awaited me. The light was so bright. It stung my soul.

I saw my life as it had once been. I saw my young healthy face smiling and laughing. Too carefree, too unconcerned, squandering what she had; and I hated. I hated the ‘her’ that I once had been. I begrudged her all that she had and all she had wasted. The shutter closed and I fell against the viewer weeping.

Chink, Clink, the shutter opened again, and I knew I must look again. I gathered what little bit of strength I had and put my eyes back in line with the openings. I saw my body turn upon me. I saw it weaken and wane. I saw relationships dwindle and fall away. I saw the explosive dissolution of ties that should have been eternal. I saw every wrong ever done to me, every scar I carry upon my heart. The shutters closed and I sank to the base of the viewer consumed with pain, loss, grief, and yes, self-pity. And I was pitiful, sobbing quietly to myself.

The shutter opened again. I heard it. I shook my head. “No more”, I whimpered.

“Look.” I did not want to obey. I did not want to. How many times in my life had I done things I did not want to do? I would hold firm this time. I would, in this moment, be strong in my own desires.

“Look.”

“No.” I refused.

“Look.”

“Please…” I pleaded.

“Look.”

He would not leave me be. I knew it. I had to look, I had to end this.

I pulled myself up and hung upon the thing, the torturous thing and I looked. I saw things as they should have been. I saw myself healthy and strong, I saw my family whole, my dreams fulfilled, my many lost friends stood around me laughing and smiling. There were no scars on her heart and no lines on her face. There was no torment or suspicion in her gaze. The pain of it lanced through me, I felt sickened and vomited.

He hauled me up by my arm and pressed me against the viewer. He did not need to speak this time. My mind numb and my will shaken, I looked. I saw myself as I am now. I am heavier than I wish to be. My face shows signs of pain that others might not notice, but I can see them clearly. My skin is pale and a little grey in the wrong light. My eyes are haunted, tears glisten at the corners. My hands are clenched in almost constant pain and disappointment. I struggle to complete simple tasks because of the unpredictability of my health and my pain.

It was a pitiful sight, but I could not stop staring. My eyes became aware of movement at the edges of my vision and refocused. I noticed people walking up behind me, moving to stand beside and behind. Hands reached out to touch my hands, my arms, my shoulders, and even rest supportively upon my back. At one side stood my husband, my sister stood at the other, my father, my friends; all of them stood around me, looking back at me.

The lines on my face eased a bit. My eyes warmed a bit and some life returned to them. My mouth lifted in a simple smile. I still hurt. I still was not what I had once been. I was not what I had thought I should be. I was me and looking upon the people gathered around me, I understood that being me was enough. It had to be enough.

“Let go.” His voice was gentler now, warmer. I understood. I let go. I let go of the pain and the hate, the scars real and imagined. I let go of the grief and the loss and reached out for the future. The pain went with me, but I could carry it better now. I had help. I was not alone. I had those people. Those people who did not see what I was not, but what I am and for them; it was enough. If it was enough for them. It would be enough for me.


End file.
